UPDATE: Julie and Julia

My predicted ratings for this film:
Quality: * * * (The third star is for Meryl's acting)
Entertainment: * * *
I Want To See It Anyway Seal of Approval

I saw this film after I saw Inglourious Basterds so of course it couldn't compare in overall quality and entertainment, but it was surprisingly good. Benny even liked it. The acting is great (as predicted) and the story is interesting. Meryl is hilarious as Julia Child. Amy Adams is depressing as Julie, but that is to be expected. The character was depressed. I really related to both characters, so I cried for half the film. Turns out it was a tissue film!

This is a film you can see on a date instead of The Time Traveler's Wife. It is far more likely that you will both enjoy this film then it is that you will like that one. Every guy I know who has seen Julie and Julia didn't hate it. That's a good thing for a chick flick.

For a rating, it's some where in-between a 3 and 4 star movie. I'll go ahead and bump it up one for being funny and accessible to both men and women. Meryl could get her next Oscar nom for this one, ya'll.

Quality: * * * *
Entertainment: * * * *
Tissues: * *
Even Guys Will Like It Seal of Approval

UPDATE: Inglourious Basterds

My predicted ratings for this film:

Quality: * * *
Entertainment: * * * *

Masturbation Seal of Approval

I just had the pleasure of actually seeing this film and I must say it is fantastic. It's truly a return to the quality filmmaking that I expect from Tarantino. The opening sequence alone is enough to make this film an instant classic. It demonstrates every aspect of quality filmmaking in fifteen minutes. Brilliant. I am so glad that all of my worries were unfounded and Tarantino is back on track after the disaster that was Death Proof. Also, all of the acting was superb. Christoph Waltz could be up for an Oscar nomination, if the Academy takes this film as seriously as they should.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will be changing my ratings for Inglourious Basterds. And I'm happy to do so.

Quality: * * * * *
Entertainment: * * * * *
Masturbation Seal of Approval
(He keeps the Masturbation Seal for purposely misspelling the title of the film and siting "artistic" reasons. Really that's just douchey.)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Crappy Films Based on Cool Cartoons From My Youth

If you are like me and grew up watching the original Transformers, He-man, and G.I. Joe cartoons as a kid and you paid money to see this film and enjoyed it, you should be ashamed of yourself. Deeply, deeply ashamed.

Hollywood has decided to take beloved cartoons from my generation's childhood and make them into loud, special effects laden, live-action movies because, since they have a built in audience of 20 and 30 somethings, they figure they can easily make a few 100 mil off old ideas. And they can, apparently. To my distress.

Let me be clear. I would love for Hollywood to make a really cool G.I. Joe live action movie. I would love to see those awesome, creative, colorful characters brought to life and go kick butt. But no. Hollywood couldn't make a movie that was true to the coolness of the original. They have to remove all originality from it in order to make it appeal to a broader audience, which means it will appeal to no one in particular.

For example: Take a look at the movie poster for the new film and the photo below of the cartoon cast. Do you notice how in the movie all the characters seem alike and have no real individuality or character of their own? Now take a look at the characters below. Notice the sailor? The diver? The ninja? Look how cool these guys look. Each one has a personality of his or her own that makes them interesting. The new film lacks that variety that made the show interesting.

I guarantee you this movie is awful. I guarantee you the characters have no real personality at all. I guarantee you the plot will barely make sense. I guarantee you big explosions and some fighting, but not good explosions or fighting. This movie will be a waste of your time and is a waste of a cool idea.

To be fair, I should mention that Benny has seen this movie. (I am appropriately ashamed that he paid money to the makers of it.) He informs me that the movie is, in fact, horribly bad. Worse even then Transformers (because at least Transformers had entertainment value). I already knew this before he told me, so it doesn't taint my review, but I thought you should know he agreed with me.

Quality: (No stars.)
Entertainment: * (For the explosions.)
Michael Bay Seal of Approval


*By the way, they are making a live action He-man movie again, I hear. I die a little inside.

The Time Traveler's Wife, Julie & Julia

The Time Traveler's Wife

If you are a girl who likes films that don't require much thought but have some cute guy in love with some non-threatening girl, then this may be a film for you. I'm pretty sure the plot won't make much sense, and it will be sentimental verging on sappy but without any real heart. Just go read the book. Or rent The Notebook. I hear that's a crier that doesn't suck.

Quality: * *
Entertainment: * * *
Tissues: * * *



Julie & Julia

I want to see this film. I've been reading Julia Child's memoir of her time in France when she discovered her passion for cooking and it's delightful. Also, as everyone knows, Meryl Streep is a magnificent actress and I'm sure she portrays Julia Child magically. I am also an Amy Adams fan. I think she is a talented young woman as well and a pretty red-head. I'm not certain, however, that this film will be that great overall. It's going to be fun for a certain audience, but husbands and boyfriends won't care for it much, and I'm pretty sure Amy Adams' role in it will not be nearly as entertaining and fun as Meryl's, at no fault of her own. The character just sounds whiny.

Quality: * * * (The third star is for Meryl's acting)
Entertainment: * * *
I Want To See It Anyway Seal of Approval

Gamer

I have only seen a poster and half a trailer for this film, but I feel I can speak with certainty when I say this film will suck. Gerard Butler is a fine actor, so I expect he will give an adequate performance, but I don't expect that he has much to work with from the script.

As far as I can tell this film is about convicts who are used as live video game characters who experience what happens in the game in real life. I believe this film already came out only it was about convicts driving cars and trying to kill each other and I believe it flopped as well. It's a dumb premise, it's been done, and this film is so forgettable that I have already half forgotten what film I was talking about while typing this. Benny suggests you rent Running Man instead because it has the same basic plot only with Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger in it, which is always good.

Gamer may, however, have some nice violence and explosions and maybe even an unnecessary sex scene, so I'm giving it the Frat Boy Seal.

Quality: * (For Gerard Butler)
Entertainment: * * *
Frat Boy Seal of Approval

Inglourious Basterds

I'm a Quentin Tarantino fan and I always will be, mostly due to the fact that Pulp Fiction is one of the Greatest Films Ever Made. I also very much liked Jackie Brown and Kill Bill 1 & 2 (Yes, I liked Part 2 as well. It's a totally different tone but, if you look at it on its own, the tone works.).

Tarantino, however, has a bad habit of being very arrogant. There is a term Benny and I like to use to refer to when someone creates any type of art for their own enjoyment without regard for whether or not what they are doing is right for the project itself. We call it masturbation. Tarantino has fallen victim of masturbating in his films.

For example: Grindhouse. Death Proof, his contribution to Grindhouse, was full of masturbation. His intention, I think, behind the film was to create a good ole fashioned revenge/feminist/girls-can-kick-butt-too film. But in actuality it’s an anti-feminist film in that instead of standing up for themselves like women, the women in the film become as bad as the men. They are badly mistreated by a very bad man, but in the end when they get revenge they are just as ruthless as he was. Acting like a man is not feminism and it’s not liberating. It’s just becoming the thing you were fighting against. It’s losing the battle, ultimately. And I don’t think that was what he was going for, which means the film does not make its point and is a failure.

Also the acting of the lead kick-butt female was horrendous. This is because she is a stunt woman, and a very good one, but not an actress. Tarantino just likes her so much he put her in the lead role even though she is a terrible actress. Again, he is doing what he wants without regard for what is best for the film.

In this film I felt that Tarantino really jumped the shark. I really hope he has gotten himself under control for Inglourious Basterds.

Now for my review of Basterds:

It’s going to be good. Not a perfect film, and I get the feeling the ending may be a little off, but it will be well acted and a lot of fun with some crazy Nazi-scalping gore thrown in. I can tell you that Brad Pitt will be brilliant. I love him in character roles, such as in Burn After Reading, and this will be another great performance. This could be a return to the films I love from Tarantino, but I’m worried somewhere in the film Tarantino’s masturbation habit will rise up and there will be unnecessarily long/gory/or in some other way exploitative scenes, but I don’t think it will ruin the film--Partly because Brad Pitt is so talented, and also because there are other actors in it as well that will give good performances too.

My initial thought about this film was that it was going to be a complete disaster and that Tarantino had really jumped the shark for good and had already produced his master works. Well, after considering it I still don’t feel that this in any way will be his best work, but I think, especially for those who enjoy an aspect of exploitation in their films, this will be a film worth watching.

Quality: * * *
Entertainment: * * * *
Masturbation Seal of Approval

*A note on exploitation films:
I realize that exploitation films are full of unnecessary and exploited elements (boobs, guns, explosions, violence) and that is part of the point of the genre, however current films made by quality filmmakers should still have solid storytelling and filmmaking elements. Watch Planet Terror to see a great example. Rodriguez really gets it. You can make an exploitation film without making a crappy film.

About Poop Sandwich

My name is Lydia and I critique movies before I see them and I'm good at it. By that I mean I'm quite accurate at knowing how good or bad a film will be before it comes out. I'm sort of a movie psychic. But since quality of filmmaking is not all there is to a successful movie, I also rate films by their entertainment value. I use a 10 star system. A perfect film will get 5 stars for quality and 5 for entertainment value. My reviews are based mostly on the trailers for the films, movie posters, and occasionally interviews with actors and directors or even other people's critiques. I never let other people sway my opinion, however. My opinions are far too many and too strong for that.

When rating a film I also like to consider those of you out there who don't know anything about what "quality filmmaking" is, but rather like to follow your heart or wiener, so I have seals that films can earn to help give you a short cut to knowing if a film is for you.

Here are a few:

Masturbation Seal: A film where someone creates any type of art for their own enjoyment without regard for whether or not what they are doing is right for the project itself.

Frat Boy Seal: A film that is generally brainless but with lots of explosions, babes, robots, guns, sex, explosions, or boobs. (Think "Transformers".)

I Want To See It Anyway Seal: When I know a movie won't be all that great, but I still want to see it. (Think "The Chipmunks".)

More seals will be added as I come across movies deserving of them.

Also, from time to time, I will actually see a movie and then I will update my critique of it and let you know if I was right. If I was wrong, I promise I will admit it. I have been wrong before...it's just rare.

Sometimes I will also mention Benny. He is my partner and also a genius film critic. You can trust Benny's opinion.

I hope you enjoy my blog.

Watch out for the poop.